9 Steps to Letting Go of Self-Hatred

Mark Manson, the acclaimed author of the bestselling book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck," presents nine straightforward steps to overcome life and people's resentment [Mark Manson, 2023]. His techniques are suitable for transforming destructive feelings of any severity due to their universality.

Mark Manson is sure: the only way to definitely get rid of self-hatred is to eliminate your consciousness and/or become a psychopath, and this is not suitable for a normal person. It is better to minimize the feeling of hostility and learn to control it. Here are some techniques that will assist with this.

Learn to say "No"

According to Manson, the degree of self-hatred a person has is proportional to his desire to please and impress others. The more you consider yourself bad and “somehow different,” the more you will attach importance to what others think of you and spend too much energy on it.

Give power to the word “No” in your life. Master the art of refusing things that hold no significance or importance to you. Say “No” to those who violate your boundaries and require an inordinate amount of attention. Telling them “No” will clarify your position and make it clear what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.

Saying “No” is not easy, because you have to pump up your self-respect and self-care. First of all, learn to deny yourself endless self-satisfaction in order to self-discipline and accept the fact that you do not know everything in the world.

Stop "masturbating" non-stop

We are not talking about groping body parts, although if they are too frequent, they should be minimized and brought under control. The word "masturbation" in this context is used in a figurative sense - Mark Manson is referring to the superficial, self-gratifying habits that people regularly engage in: eating 11 desserts and no more, going to bed at 4 am trying to improve your rating in a video game, lying to your friends about some kind of sexual victory, even if there was none, etc.

Indulging in your desires is difficult to stop - it may seem that only they bring joy to a gray, monotonous life. However, their meaninglessness absorbs and takes away energy that could be directed to useful actions and achievements.

Refusing to “masturbate” is an exercise in which you hone the skill of saying “No” to yourself. It is not necessary to completely remove small joys from life; it is important to take control of their quantity and not devote your life to them.

Expose the hate

People often hate something about themselves that they hide from the rest of the world, something that, in the subject’s opinion, people may reject, not accept, or point a finger at. Often these fears are far-fetched and unfounded. 

But many people have a similar fear who don’t like something about themselves. It's like playing poker - players think they have bad cards, so they are afraid to play and show their cards in order to avoid shame.

Finding someone sexy who will accept and even adore the deep, dark sides of your personality is often all you need to achieve love. And you will accept the dark sides of your loved one. 

It follows: in order to cope with what you hate, you need to share it - discover your dark and worst sides, recognize them and show them to the world. This achieves high trust and deep intimacy, but only if you are able to forgive other people and yourself.

Forgive people and yourself

The ability to forgive frees up a lot of energy and gives strength, because hatred and rejection drain them from us in vain.

Forgiveness means admitting shortcomings. Yourself, those around you - everyone who, in your opinion, is imperfect and does not correspond to your picture of the world.

Realize that behind unpleasant or evil actions there are either good intentions or ignorance of who took the actions. Thus, some people mistakenly believe that their action will make the life of another better or easier. 

For example, they give out advice that doesn’t suit you at all, or solve your problem without asking, but not in the way you need. To forgive others in this regard, remember that you have made mistakes yourself and accept that you cannot know everything.

The less you can recognize and accept what you don’t like, the less you are able to forgive and let go of grievances to other people. To live a life without hatred or to reduce it to the bare minimum, train in flexibility of thinking and learn to pay attention to other people's mistakes as their bad experiences.

Take a rest

Mark Manson does not explain this step, but simply advises to rest so as not to look tired. Let us add on our own that you should definitely not neglect rest - maintaining a daily routine, adequate sleep, and changing activities help relieve stress and normalize processes in the body, which is critical for the health of the nervous system and its regulation. Read more about this in our article “Rules of rest: how to rest.”

Let yourself fall

Self-love implies not only the ability to rejoice in one’s own successes, but also to forgive oneself for failures and mistakes. A self-loving person who takes care of himself is not obsessed with the desire to do everything perfectly the first time, he leaves himself room for maneuvers and mistakes.

Move towards achieving your wildest dreams

Achieve your dreams, become rich, take a dominant position in your field, find the love of your life (this doesn’t have to be a person), buy a cool apartment or build a luxurious dream mansion. 

And then realize that all of the above is not as important as it seemed before, go through an existential crisis, understand that the real meaning of your life is to serve people and make simple joys for yourself. Don’t forget – no “masturbation”!

This is how your new life will begin after hatred with completely different desires, priorities and opportunities.

Stop talking to yourself

Negative and positive self-talk is all untrue. Everything you say to yourself in your thoughts is a product of the fantasy of consciousness. In fact, you don't know the truth about yourself and the world. 

Accept the fact - you are not special at all, and this is most likely a good thing, because when you think otherwise, unreasonable expectations arise. They, in turn, bring a variety of manifestations of self-hatred.

Ask your four-year-old about your most important ambition.

Seriously, ask your four-year-old what he thinks is the most important ambition in your life. Most likely he will not understand you, perhaps he will laugh and ask you to play horses with him. And this will be the correct reaction to the words of an adult.

Regardless of what is important to you now: going to a bar, fighting cancer, inventing cold nuclear fusion, you remain a living, ordinary person at every point in your life. This means that you are still able to empathize, play with your life, and the child will be a wonderful reminder of this.

All of Mark Manson's advice boils down to developing some kind of healthy humility. Most self-loathing people have one thing in common: an excessive sense of self-importance. For them, life is either complete slag, or they believe that everything should be perfect. 

Both of these opinions are untrue, and a four-year-old child understands this. And asks to play horses. At this time, do not try to explain to your child how you want to solve the problem of global warming. Shut up and play horses [Mark Manson, 2023].

7 more effective methods of neutralizing hatred

Dealing with self-hatred is a complex and deeply personal journey, but with patience, self-compassion and support, it is possible to work through and overcome this destructive feeling.

Classic psychologists give the following recommendations for neutralizing self-hatred:

Practice self-compassion, treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would treat a close friend. Accept that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws, and that you deserve forgiveness and acceptance.

Challenge negative self-talk: Become aware of the negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself and actively work to challenge and reframe them. Replace self-criticism with positive and realistic statements. Think about what advice you would give to a friend in such a situation?

Surround yourself with positive influences, people who encourage and support you. Seek out friends, family members or groups who can offer support and help you develop a more positive self-image.

Prioritize self-care: Participate in activities that rejuvenate your mind, body, and spirit. Prioritize self-care practices such as exercise, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and participating in hobbies or activities that you enjoy. Self-care can promote a more positive self-image.

Focus on strengths and achievements. Take a break from self-criticism, celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem, and remind yourself of the positive qualities and abilities you possess.

Establish achievable objectives by dividing large goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. By setting achievable goals and working towards them, you can gain confidence and a sense of accomplishment, which can help you counteract self-hatred (we talk about how to do this the right way and turn dreams into real goals in the Dream to Goal online program ) .

Seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support, help you explore the root causes of your self-hatred and develop strategies to overcome it.

Remember that overcoming self-hatred takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and don't hesitate to seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed or unable to make progress on your own.

 

Let's summarize

Spending your life on hatred is a wasted activity that takes energy and time. If you feel irritated with yourself and others, a dislike for events and people’s actions that bothers you, try to figure it out: maybe it’s time for you to make attempts to normalize your psychological state. 

Techniques from the online program “Be Your Own Psychologist” will help with this, where you will learn to identify feelings, name them, identify the causes of their occurrence and ways to normalize the condition.

Techniques from the online program “Mental Self-Regulation” will help you maintain a normal psychological background and avoid falling into stress, regret, hatred, fears and uncontrollable anxiety.

Live here and now, in real reality, and not in illusions about yourself and the world around you!

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